I wouldn’t ever set out to hurt anyone deliberately unless it was, you know, an important game.
   - Dick Butkus

Most football teams are temperamental. That’s 90% temper and 10% mental.
   - Doug Plank

I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.
   - George Rogers

Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.
   - Joe Theismann

When I went to Catholic high school in Philadelphia, we just had one coach for football and basketball. He took all of us who turned out and had us run through a forest. The ones who ran into the trees were on the football team.
   - George Raveling

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
   - Dave Barry

Football is, after all, a wonderful way to get rid of your aggressions without going to jail for it.
   - Heywood Hale Braun

Football isn’t a contact sport, it’s a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.
   - Duffy Daugherty

I’d catch a punt naked, in the snow, in Buffalo, for a chance to play in the NFL.
   - Steve Henderson

Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?
   - Jim Bouton

I’ve found that prayers work best when you have big players.
   - Knute Rockne

We can’t run. We can’t pass. We can’t stop the run. We can’t stop the pass. We can’t kick. Other than that, we’re just not a very good football team right now.
   - Bruce Coslet

I will no longer waste my time reliving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.

I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.

I will try to figure out why I really need nine e-mail addresses.

I will stop sending e-mails to my spouse. I will make every effort to actually talk to them instead.

I will stop being such a clock-watcher.

I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.

I will stop sending e-mail, instant messages, facebook wall posts, and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.

I will stop considering other people’s feelings when they so obviously don’t consider mine - if that unwashed fellow sits next to me again, I’ll tell him he stinks, and offer up my ‘more deodorant in 2010‘ initiative.

Upon further review of this list, I will be more imaginative.

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help you cope with the stress that builds during the day. I have found that this really works!!

BREAKFAST
* 1 Grapefruit
* 1 slice whole-wheat toast
* 1 cup skim milk

LUNCH
* 1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
* 1 Weight Watchers Chocolate Muffin

AFTERNOON TEA
* 1 cup herbal tea
* The rest of the Chocolate Muffins from the package
* 1 tub of Ben n Jerry’s Lard Licorice Fudge ice cream with chocolate topping

DINNER
* 4 bottles of wine (red or white)
* 2 loaves garlic bread
* 1 family size Supreme pizza
* 3 snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
* 1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

Finally remember: “Stressed” spelled backwards is desserts”

– Gifts for Children –

This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you’d better get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child’s antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you’ve seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.

– Gifts for Men –

Men are amused by almost any idiot thing — that is why professional ice hockey is so popular — so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh at him (”You’re not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?”). So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires.

– Dave Barry, “Christmas Shopping: A Survivor’s Guide”
 

I would like you to get me anything you want but make sure no girl stuff!!
- Conor, 6

Thank you, Santa. Why do you eat so many cookies? How about trying donuts.
- Camryn, 3

I am going to try to remember to wear my undies every day and not go commando to school.
- Braedon, 8

i am desperate to see my presents so drive safely i hope you get around everyones house in time (especially mine) and that you do not catch a cold if it is snowing. (as you can see i am an incredibly spoilt little brat)
- Lauren, 11

I wish for my baby brother to have a special life as a girl because I would really rather have a sister.
- Sally, 5

Make sure to bring along extra batteries so Rudolph’s nose doesn’t run out!
- Cory, 8

Did your really run over my grandma?
- MacKenzie, 7

Even though I may seem a little mean, I’m really a sweet girl. (I get it from my dad)
- Jackie, 2

I’ve seen you in all your movies, I think you did a really great job in the Santa Clause and Miracle on 34th Street (both versions).
- Addison, 8

If possible could you please arrange for the deadbeats at the school board office to install our classroom sink. Thanks.
- Jackson, 10

I have tried to be good Santa, but boys will be boys. You must know that by now.
- Will, 6