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“Of course I do,” he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.

At 10am, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1pm., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home.

“First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!” she exclaimed. “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!

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Q: What is a groundhog’s favorite book?
A: “Holes”

Q: What side of the groundhog has the most hair?
A: On the outside

Q: What should you do if you find a groundhog sleeping in your bed?
A: Sleep somewhere else

Q: How do groundhogs smell?
A: With their noses

…The school sends you a note home letting you know that your son couldn’t participate in gym because he had two different shoes in his gym bag and neither of them were his.

…Your daughter has your cellphone in her book bag and you have a box of crayons.

…The amount of time it takes you to find a lost item is greater than the time you spend using it.

…You find a project on your kitchen counter that your child was supposed to complete before Thanksgiving, and it’s after Christmas.

…Your closets are filled with baby clothes and your children are adults.

…You spent money on books to help you get organized and now you can’t find them.

…You walk into the house, then realize you forgot to go to the babysitter to pick up your child.

…Your basement looks like a consignment store.

I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.

I will balance my checkbook. (on my nose).

I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.

I will remember to brush teeth with bristly end of toothbrush.

I will always replace the gas nozzle before driving away from the pump.

I will try to drive (closer to) the speed limit.

I will keep an extra safe distance when driving behind police cars.

I will not wet the bed and blame it on my younger brother.

I will spend more money on stuff I don’t need.

I will never again take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

I will stop saying,” Ooh, that tickles” whenever the security guys frisk me at airports.

I will read fewer books, watch more TV, cut down on exercise, and gain 20 pounds.

* Hey! Now there’s a gift!
*  Well, well, well…
*  Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would’ve fit.
*  This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
*  Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
*  If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious!
*  I love it – but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
*  Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
*  To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
*  Wow, I can’t believe they still make these!
*  I’m going to put this in a safe place so I don’t lose it.
*  I can’t wait to see what this thing does!
*  Look at that. Just… look at that.
*  I really don’t deserve this!

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.”
-Bernard Manning

“Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.”
- Kin Hubbard

“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.”
-  Erma Bombeck
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“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.”
- Shirley Temple

“Christmas carols always brought tears to my eyes. I also cry at weddings. I should have cried at a couple of my own.”
- Ethel Merman

“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”
-Dave Barry

“Nothing says holidays like a cheese log.”
-Ellen DeGeneres

“That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”
-Jerry Seinfeld

“Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time.”
-Doug Coupland

“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
-Phyllis Diller