Archive for December, 2010

Quitting smoking by Judi Moore

I discussed peer pressure and cigarettes with my 12-year-old daughter. Having struggled for years to quit, I described how I had started smoking to “be cool.”

As I outlined the arguments kids might make to tempt her to try it, she stopped me mid-lecture, saying, “Hey, I’ll just tell them my mom smokes. How cool can it be?”

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Eating healthier by David Martino

The teacher in our Bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert.

“The Lord heard you when you wailed, ‘If only we had meat to eat!’ ” she began. “Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month—until you loathe it.”

When the woman finished, she paused, looked up, and said, “Hey, isn’t that the Atkins diet?”

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Reducing your debt by R. Horn

Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher.

I dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.

“You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied. “I just threw my wife’s credit cards in there.”

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Drinking less by Christie Eckels

I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order.

I approached the bartender. “Have you ever heard of a drink called ‘Seven Young Blondes’?” I asked.

He admitted he’d never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up.

Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and tell the patron that he’d be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him.

“Sir,” I asked the customer, “can you tell me what’s in that drink?”

He looked at me like I was crazy. “It’s wine,” he said, pronouncing his words carefully, “Sauvignon blanc.

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, He wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #4:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years.

Rule #5:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears’ Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. “From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ‘68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.”)

Rule #6:
Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”

Rule #7:
It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #8:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manila rope. No one knows why.