Archive for February, 2011

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, “made the dinner.”

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician.”

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say “focus,…breath…push…”

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers.”

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

“What are you going to wear in the game Sunday?” - Julie Brown to her husband, Emmitt Smith before the 1993 Super Bowl

“[Janet Jackson’s 'wardrobe malfunction' was] so crass and so sleazy that Fox television is launching its own investigation [as to] why they didn’t do it first.” - Craig Kilborn

“Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl.” - Coach Bill Peterson

“Having two weeks off gives family, friends, and the media more time to get on your nerves.” - Deion Sanders

“Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” - Joe Theismann

“If it’s the ultimate game, why are they playing it again next year?” - Duane Thomas

“Terry Bradshaw couldn’t spell ‘cat’ if you spotted him the ‘C’ and the ‘A.’” - Thomas Henderson

“I want to rush for 100 or 150 yards, whichever comes first” - George Rogers

(After hearing that Redskins OG Russ Grimm had said that he would run over his own mother to win the Super Bowl) “I’d run over Russ Grimm’s mother to win the Super Bowl, too.” - Matt Millen